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Friday, April 30, 2004
Hello my dear face-less readers from the three dimensional world. I'M IN A RUBBISHY MOOD TODAAAAAY! AHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHA. All thanks to the hockey guys lololol.
I've set the mood! Now details, details details of the going-ons! (Which is alot, btw) Alrighty, yesterday i had my game against AJ... hellooo i have only one word to say, and i'm sure you know what it is :) *sweet smile* i didnt play well AT ALL for the first half, and i wasnt feeling too well lol had to run to the bathroom during halftime :p. OK. YEA. SO IN SECOND HALF, greeeeaaaaaaat, I GOT INJURED! Ahahhaa... bloody hell, i was tackling this stupid woman who was about to take a hit. i know when to go for the ball and when not to. Her stick was up up up and she hadnt swung YET, so i tackled the ball away. She goddarn fucking knew that the ball WASNT with her anymore, yet she fuckingly CONTINUED HER FULL SWING and wham i got hit on my upper left shin. So the impact left me shocked and i fell. The first thing i said was a low "fuck". Then i turned and saw blood, then i said louder, "fuck" and i thought it was quite funny, actually. Until i felt the pain ahahahha. So i rolled around and i heard people say, "shes bleeding" and all that shit, but what made me decide to get up was the voice saying, "the aj guys are laughing at you." Fuck. So i gathered my strength, and got up. In their fucking faces.
Ali is so nice. He helped me wrap my wound... SO SWEET! i heard alot of shouts of encouragement as i hobbled back, which i am VERY touched by, :) but i'm sorry i didnt have the mood or strength to smile back or something :) So anyway we won 1-0, YAAAAAAY despite my lousy play and a few others complaining that we didnt play as well as we should have (which i dont deny). Anyway yeah so after that barber took us crescent girls (moral support) down in a cab to go to a clinic nearby cos ali and weiloong said that it had to be stitched. The first clinic, so nice... doctor wasnt in. The lazy nurse told us the second nearest one was at goldhill plaza. We headed there to find out that the doctor LONG GOOONE. Then we went down the corner to a closed clinic. So my dear stingray got irritated and said, lets just go opp beauty world there, CONFIRM got open clinics! So we did... and the first clinic we went, the doctor said that it could be glued. LUCKILY he didnt have glue, and luckily he also didnt have the proper equipment to stitch me up (wtf right??) SOOOO we went next door, and the doctor there said that it COULDNT be glued, that it'd open for sure! Omg so heng. Then he stitched me up after cutting away my blob of fats lololol (like some slimming centre) so WHOOPIE it was done.
Anyway after that barber told us to eat next door, which was a malay restaurant like coffeshop. The food was alright, but the PEOPLE running it were WONDERFUL ahahahhahahha! It was damn interesting, talking to them, mindless flirting and discussing sports and love and EVERYTHING ahahhaa. Oh man they rock so much! Still say what, saw me before on 173 ahahah rubbish i've never heard of that bus before :p
On to today! Today Yazid was being a dick to me in the morning :p Then after lecture, he came to me and told me something about -33 that i'm glad i heard. Holy shit, after i heard that it was like... Okay. So hes like that. Omg what an asshole. i wasnt sad or anything, i guess i was abit disappointed, at myself too cos i couldnt see that he was that kind of guy? Oh man i felt damn stupid. Anyway after school it was like, i skipped chem tutorial to accompany my stingray. i saw yazid and jonathan then started rubbishing with them... They were like, "he sucks la forget him! You deserve better" and all that rubbish lol. Then yazid said, "its okay, you're pretty, sure can find someone else" or something like that la. Aiyo when i heard him say that i soo touched k! So sweet ahahhaha! So i said, "ya... like you right? Too perfect liao, great hockey player, 6 pointer, in mugger class etc etc" lol he got damn irritated with me :p Then i kept playing with him after that say "Yazid! i like you leh" ahaha then he was like, "yaa... cannot get -33 then want me riggght..." :p hes so cute la cant stand it. Like so embarrassed that i kept gushing over him lol.
Anyway today was show off my stitches day to the hockey people haha. Before training, the guys were asking how my leg was and stuff, so i opened the cover thing and they were like, "whoooaaaa" damn cool and stuff lol. Then jerry said, "eh its damn frankienstein leh!" ahahahah like i'm some freak :p But they were quite shocked to find out that it was a cut obtainted from a stick, so the pain factor would be significant. Jerry is damn psychotic. He kept asking how i could play on tues's game against VJ, then say what... wait the stitched burst open then all the blood and stuff, then say what, if one side open dunno what flapping or some shit... SHIT HIM he grossed me out.
Then later, Narvin asked how my leg was doing, then i said got stitches... and i asked him, wanna see? And omg he opened his HUGE eyes with extra long lashes and nodded his head like a little boy offered sweets, and i just felt like giving him a candy shop. Boys have this fascination with stitches and blood and wounds. :p
Did i mention that i love regina??? She was so damn sweet to me today, help me around and not minding that we both look like corkheads walking down staircases STEP by STEP ahaha. :):) The smiley face on my right hand is still there! And dont worry! Yazit may be blind but at least you can go get carrot head! Ahahhahahha.
Shiiit. Dettol is daaaaaammit hot, shitshitshit i'm damn happy today despite some shit. HOT HOT HOT. Especially when he smiles... Swooon! Plus he is damn cute and funny when he suans me :p Hoho.
Tomorrow morning got training! Despite it being May day!
rockin' at 10:54 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2004
i hope i'm not messing up my JC life. Everything was so much simpler in secondary school. The dynamics are not as three dimensional as they are now. The main worries are:
-School work
-Hockey (which is very impt NOW)
-Social life
which can be further sub-divided into crescent darlings, s10 CRAZY people, hockey people, and some other people around nj and other schools. Everything is taking up so much of my friggin time, and i realise that i DONT WANT to actually sit down and study. i cant, my mind wanders and i get all irritated especially when i cant do questions. And that isnt uncommon, cos work seems so much harder now.
Right now, my MI tutorial is lying on the cold coffee table, with my pen still uncapped and stationary littered about. i havent even finished the first question. And i gave up.
i will attempt to try to rejoin the path of the true hard working student. But i know i will only fail again. But nevertheless, i will TRY. So now, i shall log off and sit down at my hard desk as a good njcian should, and CONCENTRATE. i hope i dont fall asleep. :p
Though i dont think i will, my mind is waay too preoccupied with other "stuff". Ahahhahahhaa :)
rockin' at 1:12 AM
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Ok on to something newer. I'm over roadsign. Yep. i just thought he was good looking thats all... no interest to know him or anything... The same for dettol. But i dont mind knowing him, cos he's my senior and stuff so its okay. Those two are based soley on LOOKS, which i know, is quite shallow. But i shall show my deeper side now.
I'm infatuated with someone, entirely based on his personality and character. i know that he is not good looking and stuff, but it doesnt matter to me? Yea. Its completely weird. Everyone i told so far is giving me this, "are you serious" kind of look. Regina rated roadsign 3/10. She rates him -33. Yes. Negative 33. Shes so nice right. So thats his nickname from now on. -33. But huiee says hes more like -333. Anyway... Yeah. I'm mad la k. These few days my mind is just occupied like hell. Thanks alot to harland, who happily asked him what he thought of me and stuff. But i thank him alot. Grateful and stuff :)
I'm in a good mood now. Heehee :):):)
rockin' at 12:10 AM
Friday, April 23, 2004
i havent blogged in fucking ages!
Ok, go to this morning where HUIJIA WAS FUCKING ON FIRE!!!!!!! OMG, ok you know the march holidays job thing? Ya well, the banck recently gave us a letter saying that our wonderful checked BOUNCED! LIKE WTF WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM he doesnt want to pay us. So i told afghan, and asked him to call steven... but hes like, "huh dont need la" or some shit like that, COMON IF YOU WANT YOUR $$$$$ YOU HAVE TO BE FORCEFUL. Like huijia. Or else you're just gonna get bullied.
So, this morning we called him, and he didnt pick up... So she left a nice msg with a FORCEFUL and bloody hell SACARSTIC TONE and ended with a sweet byeee. AHAHHAHAHA OMG I LOVE HER SO BLOODY MUCH!!!! So he called back much later in the afternoon, and hj demanded to know what the fuck was wrong. He was pissing in his pants i tell you, still can ask her to "cool down" ahahha but YOU GO GIRL. So he said he'd get everything done by today. HE'D BETTER. Ya. i love huijia. i tell you, i need people like that, who can stand up for themselves and not be AFRAID of so called shit fucked up "authority".
Anyway. TODAY! Our very first nj hockey match in the tourny... it was against Cj, and i apologise for anything we did wrong. We didnt mean any fouls we commited, its just that we get so caught up in the game and the want to play our best. So ya... i hope you guys arent upset. Yeah, we won 3-0! I'm quite proud of them, their first game? i mean, so ya we didnt play excellently, but at least we did much better in the 2nd half. i played like heeeelll... really gave my best. We did it for MR NORDIN. Cos the previous day, we saw him and gave him a "budget card" :p pouring out all our LOVE for him and crescent hockey... Then today, just before the game he msged us, saying how touched he was, and how words cannot describe his love for us... When i read that out loud, i just couldnt continue to the last part where he said, "muackmuack" and stuff... i just started crying... The love we have for him and hockey is INFINITE. Its amazing, the way we are touched by him. i never thought it was possible...
So yea. We played for him. Ohh... the cj guys were quite irritating today? Like i got the ball from their attack right, then brought it to the right, on my strong side. Shanna came from the wrong side and tackled just as i was about to him, so i stick-checked her. Very loud... not anyone's fault. Just errors... the cj guys went "OOOOOYYYYYY" and groaned so i looked at them straight in the eye and mouthed the words "fuck you" at them. They gave me this blank stare. And the free hit was mine.
Anyway my little toe's nail is bloody soft and weak. Its going to fall off... and it hurt like hell while i was playing... quite scary, cos i didnt know when it was gonna BREAK and BLEED. But lucky it didnt. :p Ok this post is abit long. I'll round it off here!
rockin' at 11:00 PM
Saturday, April 17, 2004
My eyes are hurting so badly... i can barely keep them open. Shit i'm still bloody embarrassed, crying in the middle of Adam Road Food Centre with the nj hockey guys just beside our table... But i couldnt help it. i miss it so fucking much.
i dont even WANT to try to explain, i dont want to even give small snapshots of the greatest experience of my life. Because it would only remove the perfection, the intensity, the passion, the LOVE of everything we had. i cannot put it down in words. Its impossible... i dont want to minimise everything, because it is HUGE. It is larger than a threefold utopian dream. :D Credits to Incubus...
I'm feeling alot better now :) Theres training in the morning, so hopefully dettol will be there to take my mind off other things... :p Then we're going to watch bball match, and then head off to huiee's house to study. Then watch Passion of Christ with her friends... i hope i wont be extra. Must be friendly and sociable tomorrow. Wait arent i always? :p Kidding i have to make myself feel better so i resort to cheap tactics hoho.
HUUUUUUUHHH? :p So cute.
rockin' at 1:10 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Last night rocked. After training (which ended at 9:30 thanks to WEILUNG's lor suo tactics), me hj and huiee went for dinner at Adam road food center. GUESS WHO WE SAW THERE?!?!
"KWWOOOOOOOKKK LAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA... The j2 guys were there having dinner too, then ah kwok so nice invite us to join them, so we did! WE HAD STING RAY OMG i feel like crying now, thinking about it... K. 3 of us had $5 kangkong (FUCKING GOOD), $6 stingray (EVEN MORE FUCKING GOOD). Then after we fin eating, me and huiee still hungry but AMAZINGLY hj wasnt. So we two ordered another $6 stingray... and finished it. We also had two teh ping each lolol and when the guys saw what we were eating, they were like so shocked, like never see girls eat so much before :p Then they commented, "Whoa you girls get what, $1000 a week issit" lol. Kwok lay really is the nicest guy in the nj team. Aiyo... then he was saying cos i asked him how was the guy's team chances this year, and he said...
"Our team got 4 injuries not including narvin. 3 sprained something, and one really really sick guy." You know how sad i felt when i heard that?!?! Very very very upset, and saaad...! i want him to hurry get better!! So that he can play and score lots and lots of goals for nj!! Ahaha i'm mad... Vince said he saw him in the toilet at the sink >.< Aiyo i never say, on monday actually three of us went to ccab, then change our minds decided to go for nj training... When we reached school, GUESS WHO WAS SITTING AT THE GRANDSTAND. Omg i how long never see him then saw him so close and felt damn excited and shy hahahah. Anyway the guys having game against MI next thurs, we going to watch... Mr Nordin will be there too!! Whoo hoo can see him ^_^ Miss him alot alot!!
Our tournament starts next friday, the first game is against Catholic JC. I'm damn nervous... like i know our team isnt ready. Our short corners are nowhere near perfect. We need to practice ALOT more this week and the next, and i'm ready to devote all my time after school to hockey now. Last night i had a nightmare... It was like, we were having a game against RJ, and i myself was unprepared, and the team was unprepared and unmotivated. i had the butterflies in my stomach and i felt so unfit. It was a terrifying feeling, when i "saw" pauline in my dream... i kinda felt helpless. That sucked alot. i hope i'm not paranoid or anything haha.
i need another dose of dettol to keep me sane.
rockin' at 11:13 PM
There are things that i want some people to know about, and not others. Its as though i want to keep a part of me clingwraped, untouched, undissected by the pressures and changes of JC life, just purely me, crescent me. I'm not ready to open up yet to everyone i just met this year. If you are reading this, it is most probably because you were from crescent and i love you alot, or that i know and trust you alot to give you this address. i dont mind strangers who dont know me reading my shit, because really it wouldnt matter, it makes no difference. To them, this is merely another semi-interesting page of thrown in words and a few cusses, strung together to vaguely make sense. It makes no difference. BUT to have people who barely know me, to read my shit and pass judgement and comments that frankly does not concern them, i dont see why they should. But i know they will. But they shouldnt.
Its the predictibility and shallowness of people that makes me wary. Why should they poke, prod and mangle my thoughts, views and feelings, and come out with this unreal, contaminated blend of rubbish that doesnt vaguely resemble me.
This blog is me. But it is only a small part of me, like a petal of a chrysanthemum. You need the entire picture to actually know someone. Of couse for sure, you're allowed to have an image of a person whoever it may be, theres nothing wrong with that. But its when people go too far, hey wait i've already explained myself.
Then you might ask, why the hell do i write this and make it public? i love the idea of being open. Of being so self-confident that i can throw myself out to the world and not be afraid of the stabs and punches that are blowned into my fucked up body. But of course i'm not that person. But i'm trying to be. i would be so much happier if i were that someone, but then again... would i be me if i were that someone?
rockin' at 10:29 PM
Sunday, April 11, 2004
i think i cut it a bit too short. Hair grows.
Lifehouse Somwhere in Between
I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomoroow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real just a dream
rockin' at 10:33 PM
"Thank you reflex you saved me from the scabs. But what about the girl?"
This is an amazingly old old old quote from Beau, who used to go to the forums. He has this brilliant brain, that can fabricate thought-provoking quotes and heart numbing words, he speaks and then you think, and when you think, you start to feel this immensely oppressive weight of pure thought, like the dimensionless words and abstracts you configure suddenly gain in matter, and it starts to hurt you. But in a good way. i miss his insanely long long posts about his views on religion, abortion, sex, love, death, life, music... everything. Its so rare to know someone like that, who feels so deeply for his views and is willing to take the time to share and express them with other people. Plus whats even greater about him, is that he actually listens to other people, like the last time i debated with him on my views of love and death, he said...
"You're the only one here who can make me think. i feel guilty for being such a prick sometimes. Its like, i WANT to see things your way when you're done talking. Thank you."
Oh my god, when he said that... its like, no one ever ever told me something like that before. No one has ever complimented me in such a deep, sincere way. He usually doesnt give in easily in a debate, and when he complimented me i thought i was in heaven. i never thought in a million years that we were on the same line, he is so so way up there, with his confusing long statements and views, while i am the simple girl with stupid comments. Shit, its that level of connection that i'm yearning for... i miss it our connection, like when i mentioned i love Jimmy Eat World's Sweetness, he was so cute, he started screaming, "BLEEEEDING WAATERSSS! BLEEEEDING WATERSSSS! WOAAAA" bleedingwaters was my nick then. Yeah then he started "singing" lol so cute. He introduced me to some of the bestest music i've ever heard. Trail of the dead, JEW, Hum... Shit.
All this happened so damn long ago. i have no idea where he is now, if hes still in california studying music or any other state for that matter. Shit i wish i had a second chance, i regret that i have lost a wonderful friend. Its like... even though we're two COMPLETELY different individuals, me living in asia and having totally different lifestyles as compared to him, its like... i dunno. Theres this mutual agreement, kinda like he's my older brother. :)
i dont know why i suddenly wrote this post, its completely impact-less on my life now. But then again my life has already been impacted by him. i just hope that he knows how wonderful he is, and where ever, what ever and how ever he is right now, i hope hes happy :)
rockin' at 6:24 PM
Am i very vulgar? i dunno i guess i'm just be too used to it.
Download Colorblind by Counting Crows, its one of the most amazing songs i've ever heard... More haunting than Lifehouse even.
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine
rockin' at 4:47 PM
i just saw some Hide videos and SHIT I WANT HIS HAIR!!!!! Omg i'm gonna cut my hair somemore later, shit i've been inspired.
rockin' at 4:25 PM
I'm now downloading some Hide videos on Kazaa... Hoho my sister's boyfriend just came over, and helped us fix our silly computer!! He rocks man... He also cleaned out the viruses in our comp, and basically washed out all the rubbish. I'm so glad hes good with the computer!! Or else wait my comp sure end up like Shanna's one :p
Jiangshui is arriving back tonight! i cant pick him up at the airport though, waay too late... Damn i feel bad.
"Your strengths, dear Gemini, lie in your cleverness, inquisitiveness, and openness to exploring new ideas. Once you have found something that interests you, you proceed with logic and scientific precision. However, as soon as you've consumed a subject, you are also able to switch your focus to a new topic. With your naturally practical and skilled approach, you excel in whatever you put your mind to.
One of your main weaknesses is that you can be shallow and hypocritical in your dealings with others. You can confuse people with your unpredictability and cynical attitude, and they might not trust you completely. Since your brain works so quickly, you tend to be nervous, restless, and anxious, which sometimes leaves you highly irritated. "
Quite true. :p
I'm just wasting my time doing random online horroscopes quiz like thingys. Hoho.
rockin' at 3:57 PM
FUCKING SHIT. i just typed out a nice long post and my computer had to fuck me over and BOOM WHAM its gone! ANYWAY as i was saying... Good friday was a good day. Though i didnt spend it with my new classmates, i spent it with someone more important, my younger sis! Anyway we went shopping i bought a niceee new top, ate venezia ice cream and alot of other rubbish. I'm eating ALOT more now.. even huiee notices! She said today, "Wha stef how come now you eat so much, i think something wrong with your stomach" heehee... But i dont mind! Hopefully i get more fats onto my chest!
Anyway church was damn fricking crowded. And hot and stuffy... almost fell asleep on my feet too, thanks to the less than 4 hours of sleep i got the previous night. Hahaha was talking to jiangshui and siewee on the phone, siewee left at about 2? Ya... Started at 1230 to about 430... Its funny. Usually i dont enjoy talking on the phone, but js is simply too entertaining to pass off! Hahaha the last part of our conver was quite funny. i glanced at the clock, then said, "shit i just realise that i have a game in less than 4 hours time..." and he was like, "OMG SHIT OH NO I'M SO SO SORRY HURRY GO SLEEP NOW GO GO GO" and then i mentioned something about playing for club, then asked him if he was in any shooting club not, and then he continued talking and we continued talking lolol until he realised i wasnt sleeping, then he shooed me off to bed :p.
Anyway i cut my own fringe today... it isnt very short or anything but its much better now, it was so long the last time?? So i'm glad i cut it... i feel like cutting it shorter, than wax it or something. i think i'm not bad at cutting hair. Hoho.
Shit... so many problems... i feel so damn fucking useless and helpless. i want to help all of you, i want to say, "do this and this, so that the butterflies will return and the flowers will grow and the sun will shine in the cloudless sky." But its not that easy. I'm so sorry that i'm so fucking useless. i guess i can only say, i hope things get better. Cheer up. :)
rockin' at 1:20 AM
Thursday, April 08, 2004
i miss coming to school early in the morning, and seeing shanna drag herself in, her hair MESSY and BOOMBAH, her eyes in slits and she going, "uhhhhuhrfsu4ef4wujng i'm very tie-yert dotn disturb me lah!". i miss strolling in late for assembly, with Mr Loh giving us the "angry look" heehee. i miss singing the SCHOOL SONG (can you believe that?!). i miss mavis and i talking about bands and music and EVERTHING ANYTHING!!! (plus i miss her cool weezer specs) i miss the constant complaints of how much peishan and geokcheng STANK after they ran (since they refuse to change shirts). i miss the CGW!!! i miss fariza whitney and yeeteng talking talking talking talking talking (you get the point :p). i miss sitting alone, hearing whitney and zaria gossiping in front of me, and rabia and geraldine singing behind me. i miss MARVY (i'm so sorry you're gone). i miss all the teachers and their silly random eccentric signature gestures like Mrs Tang *sweeps hair back*, Mr Loh's blank look at the class, Lao Shi's frantic shouts at us to do our chinese work, Mr Lim's licking of lips, Miss Malini's MADDNESS!!!! Everything! i miss everything :)
One more time for hj,
KWOK LAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
rockin' at 10:53 PM
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
I'M SO BLOODY FRICKING HAPPY REGINA IS IN S10!!! Omg you dont know how wonderful it is... You have no idea, i didnt think that i would be able to survive, actually being happy without her. Shit i thought i could do it, but on monday i realised that i couldnt.
The first lecture, physics was torture for me... i had ZERO mood, and i felt incredibly lonely. i just couldnt shake it off and pretend to joke along with siew ee and the others... i was feeling so damn depressed. Its as though i missed everything done, doing and going to do in a split moment, and a horrid torment inside me was unleashed, and it seemed that everything was hopeless. i am so so so so glad that she's back... glad that she can make a fool of herself, glad that we can pon lectures together, glad that we can bitch, gossip and rubbish with each other during lessons, just glad that shes here!
Its wonderful having great friends, i realise that. Its really really important, in determining how you get by. In a way, i feel so dependant on huijia and regina, but in another weird twist of circumstances, they both free the real me. i can tell hj ANYTHING... and i know that she wont judge me. She gives the bestest advice ever EVER, plus we're on the same level of thought, so i completely understand her. She said something way cool (and most probably true), that we were most likely lovers in our past lives.
To be able to find someone who is on the same level of thought as you are, not in that they have your exact same views or anything, but LEVEL... like the depth of your misty residue-overridden random thoughts and theories and claims, yes that, is amazingly wonderful. That is what i feel is most important in a partner. To be able to connect on that level of thought, and next to that equally, emotion, mash them together and you'll get an incredible chemisty and attractive force with inconceivable power. I've yet to find someone like that, i'm kinda hoping that its a coincidental stumble of realisation or recognition. That would be incredible, really. i think its just wishful thinking for me. i have all these expectations of a partner, is it too much to ask? Am i being overly expectant? But isnt that what a relationship is about? Two people not only LIKING each other, but having that connection, mentally and emotionally. At least thats what i thought it was about. But now, i see so many things happening around me, i see how shallow and superficial some "relationships" can be, and how flimsy it becomes, and how INCOMPARABLE it is to what i had in mind. Is there proper satisfaction derived from that? Or is it all in the name of fun and experimentation. Whats the point? Is there any? Am i rambling again, not making sense of anything... i think i'm pretty good at doing just that. But i hope i made a bit of sense at least, i realise what regina said is true. i am the type that doesnt rush into a relationship. Hj said its good that i dont ^_^
rockin' at 11:16 PM
Monday, April 05, 2004
On my way home today, i suddenly felt so so alone. No, it had nothing to do with the day itself, today was great going to cdans and all, hanging out with whit, fariza and hj... Miss all of you! Except hj i see you alot :p ahahha. But i digress.
i dunno... Its like, i was walking back alone when the fucking rain drops started to fall, drip drip plop plop on me... And the fucking wind suddenly decided to start blowing, blow blow whoosh whoosh which made me feel so bloody cold and miserable. :( The air smelt great, clean and fresh just the way i love it, and there was no one on the roads... It was in fact on of the most perfect times to start singing crazy emo songs at the top of my mucus filled lungs. i digress again.
The thing is, that i was suddenly hit with this feeling of extreme loneliness... Like i just wanted someone, anyone to be there with me. i felt as though i needed a physical presence, cos i know that i'm damn good at conjuring delusions of emotional calm. But the solidity of someone there was lacking. Maybe i needed someone to shield the rain drops from me, maybe i needed someone to block the cold wind from blowing me silly... The thing is, that i needed someone, and no one was there. Ultimately that kinda killed me... it made me feel so fucking horrible and helpless. i hate that feeling. You know how you always want to be strong, to show the world that hey, i can fucking go by on my own, i dont need anyone's shit. i have always tried to be that independent girl, but there and then i knew i failed myself. For that split moment of isolation, i knew i wasnt who i put myself out to be.
Now, thinking back... Maybe i didnt exactly fail. Yes, true i want to be as strong as i can be, but i also want someone else to be there. Not only for me, but me for them. i dunno i think i'm rambling again... But thing is, that you are not necessarily a failure, as others may not see you that way. Even if you yourself do, who knows, perhaps you REALLY dont think that way, you only think you do, you only want to.
Its alright if you dont understand that last part, or if you dont get the entire post. This is my blog anyway, you're not supposed to get everything i say. :)
rockin' at 12:22 AM
Sunday, April 04, 2004
i woke up at 1pm today... Felt very very tired, slept for another 15 mins and realised that I WAS HUNGRY. So after lunch, i studied math, cos i've not attended lectures for ages... After a bit of studying, i slept again from 3:30 to 7pm... Niiceee... Had a dinner thing on at my mom's friend's house, if it wasnt for that, i'd sleep somemore... Anyway ya. Went there had a WONDERFUL FEAST. Man that auntie can COOK! She is the bestest chef i know!! Her grilled meat and desserts rock my socks off, seriously. You've never known good food til you try her stuff... Its to dieee for!
Anyway i've been in a very impatient mood these few days... i think its a combination of my illness and pms... So i apologise if i've snapped at anyone unintentionally, or have been extra sacarstic to any asshole who may have deserved it. I'M SORRY. Ok? Ok.
Huijia rocks my socks. Its like, she knows exactly how i'm feeling, what i'm thinking and she advises me to react the way that is best... i love her so much! i could just hug her into pieces!!! Ok i think i gtg... Sheeat its late my daddy's gonna kill me.
rockin' at 2:07 AM
Friday, April 02, 2004
i was still sick today... Sicker in fact, so that was kinda sucky. So this morning i didnt feel like going to lectures AT ALL, so i decided to pon with regina! Hehe jiangshui afghan and vince decided to tag along, which was AMAZING cos i didnt know they wanted to pon (except js, he always want to pon one) Soo we went to our classroom and talk talk talk...
Ahahaha that js is daaamn wild can?! Hear all his stories from his tchs days can die laughing... What, people throw cardboard at fan (afghan), HE THROW OHP AHAHHAHAHA... Then he and his friends also hang from the fan?! Hang until the whole fan dropped ahahhAHHAHA.... DAMN FUNNY CAN. i was having diffculty breathing cos i was laughing too hard... Will blog his other damn interesting stories another time.
OK then it was break, and some of the other classmates came to class... We started playing cards, at first in our little separate groups, but then after a while we combined and played the card game that Mindy taught us! It was damn funny cos we played boys against girls, regina jiahwa siewee and me on one team, then afghan vince jiangshui harland (new angmoh guy in class) and jiawei on the other team. We play until quite siau. Girls lost :(:( dunno why also... despite the fact that the guys are BLURR. Anyway we played bluff and 8 people bridge and some other rubbish... Ahaha then we went on to the stupid mind games thing... Which was funny, irritating, frustrating, amusing and very laaaame! We rubbished from 10am to 2 or 3 pm? And i made friends with harland! i realise he likes to act innocent ahahaha. And that hes quite singaporean which is funny cos when i see him it doesnt really compute. :p Yarn, i think you might think hes hot or something... Hes very angmoh. But his sideview nicer than front view. Soo many girls think hes cute... bah. Dettol is hotter. :p
After that afghan vince harland and i played hearts and taitee in canteen, then met huiee and had to go for the game at ccab... I'M SO SAD. I COULDNT PLAY! Was waay tooo sick to play... Damn i so sosososo wanted to play!! Today we played like SHIT. i was quite frustrated watching the team... Cos they were making STUPID mistakes that were already MENTIONED BEFORE... ANyway we lost 2 - 0 which was plain stupid. Very very stupid, it shouldnt have happened AT ALL. Can tell that i'm pissed? I am... i shouted like shit even though my throat hurt like hell, and it really aggrivated me both mentally and physically. i think i feel worse now :( Anyway i made a new friend today. That Hong Jun talked to me! He was asking why i never play then where this girl's bag was and where tape was and i helped him search and everything... i realise people are nicer to you when you're not feeling well. Like some of the hockey guys and BECKY! <3 Except afghan. He sucks. He keep saying what, DIANA POOR THING GOT SORE THROAT while i'm like some shit here with blocked nose AND a damn sore throat... Grr... Whateverrrrrr!
Anyway being sick sucks. i cant act lesbian with my girlfriends cos i practice safe flirting (dont wanna pass them my illness) and there are things you wanna do that you cant. Like playing hockey. And eating VENEZIA ICE CREAM. i think theres a bug going around... Js is also sick, and today i kept hearing endless nose sniffling. SHEAT tournament coming also k! Plus my fitness level is DAMN bad... i really need to chiong and quickly pull up everything SOON or diediedie tournament come diediedie.
[-J?$?N-] i luv my wallpaper [?Fgh?N b0y] says:
i want to talk to her in person
[-J?$?N-] i luv my wallpaper [?Fgh?N b0y] says:
but she's having sore throat now
[-J?$?N-] i luv my wallpaper [?Fgh?N b0y] says:
she says her mama dun allow her to tok
[-J?$?N-] i luv my wallpaper [?Fgh?N b0y] says:
so farnie and cute rite?
It is your imperfections that make you perfect. says:
...
It is your imperfections that make you perfect. says:
MY DADDY DONT ALLOW ME TO TOK
It is your imperfections that make you perfect. says:
i cute not
Jason and me suaning. He sucks. :p
Just now me and regina had a nice long bitching session. i saved the conversation. Quite nice. i think we're both witty. But she sucks more. But i still <3 her. Ok i think i've blogged enough.
rockin' at 11:47 PM
Thursday, April 01, 2004
i seriously feel like shit today... i felt like shit throughout the entire day... i apologise that i couldnt entertain nor could i go crazy with anyone. UGH. My nose was blocked the WHOLE TIME and i have difficulty breathing, my throat hurt, my nose was runny and i sneezed my nose off a couple of times... Right now i feel as though my head is burning. Shit and TOMORROW i have TRAINING. i wanna go!!!!! My fitness level is like rubbish, seriously rubbish... during last night's training, i played like rubbish... My halves werent alot of help, and i could rely on one forward on scoring... So i try to create more chances, and in the process i TIRE myself out in less than 10 minutes into play. PLUS i malu-ed myself at least three times in front of dettol >.< My hits into the D were stopped by weiling all three times... Sob... i feel like a failure.
Anyway... something interesting! Last night after training, after most people left, dettol was heading towards the toilets/staircase and we had eye contact for a few seconds... i know i risk sounding like jason, but seriously my heart started to beat really fast, and i got damn damn nervous... Then he turned to the toilets, and i started rolling over the ccab corridor floor moaning to huijia :p Then she got damn spured on or something, and told me to say bye to him or something... And i refused cos i think hes the "dao" type. Then suddenly she turned to him and shouted, "BYYYYE" and waved, and his reaction, according to her, was that he looked at her, and mumbled something... Then he entered the toilet. LOLOL she freaked out and said "*#@&$*# HES NOT LEAVING YET!!!!!!! LETS QUICKLY GET OUT OF HERE" ahahha... But i appreciate her effort for me, thanks i'm touched. Really! ^_^
Thing is, he's damn nice to look at... i think i can orgasm by just looking at him. But i dont know him!! And i dont want to purposely get to know him or anything. Eye candy and targets are totally different. COMPLETELY. i do not have targets. AT ALL. Targets to me are fucking stupid, because i am not the type to "go after" a person with the intention of getting to know him because of his looks. That is fucking completely NOT ME. i have nothing against people who do, its just not my way of doing things.
Anyway on to today. Siewee jiahwa regina afghan and i went over to visit jiangshui cos he didnt come to school today... Apparently he fell sick?? Seems to be a bug being passed around. We slaaacked at his house, played ps2 and talked alot of rubbish... Alot of us were half-dead, sleepy or sick or tired... But we still had fun. Until 3pm... Thats when the class posting results came out. Vince and Regina arent in s10... Fuck do you have any idea how fucking upset i am?? i usually dont think about things in order to hide whatever i'm feeling... But later when we were in the canteen eating, the thought of not being with regina everday hearing her rubbish and insults aimed at me fucking killed me... i started to tear, but then regina told me not to cry. So i didnt... Oh man i really feel like crap now... I HOPE HER APPEAL GETS THROUGH. i really really do... She brightens up my day whenever i feel like crap, she looks after me when i'm not feeling well and shes really fucking fun to be with!!! Shit i should stop crying now.
Steven picked me and afghan up at 530 then we went to collect our checks... FINALLY! Our pay! I'm quite proud of it, my first paycheck... Heehee.
i think i do a good job of forgetting/ignoring problems.
rockin' at 8:52 PM
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