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Friday, October 29, 2004
i am so fricking confused right now. i so want to go to SMU, like i know i want it. i dont want anything else to do with engineering or mass com or whatever. i want business. And i want to drop econs too. But then again, after speaking to my elder sis... i'm thinking, ahh... she makes sense. About doing what you like, what you want to do. But i feel so drained just thinking about restudying econs all over again. Touching chapters that havent been touched since first 3 months. Then again... i dunno. Let me think okay. I'll think it through carefully and thoroughly.
Sigh i feel horrible right now.
rockin' at 11:51 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
PW is oh so rubbish. i oh so cant wait for it to be over. i just need to hold on til next tues. *prays nothing screws up*
Anyway i rubbished away 26 messages to qixian today. i really shouldnt have done that... given that i have a quota of 25 messages a day. But its fun... and its not like i do this everyday. i just do it too often. Too often til i swear my bill's gonna be crazy this month. Anyway i feel like i'm in a silly mood now. i dont want to deal with my depressing training and hockey attendance problems. i really am too disappointed to actually get angry. And i swear i'd rather play next year with 8 players that i feel deserve their place in the team, and not 16 girls who think they are so damn good and that theres no competition that they dont need to come for training. To hell with them. So i'll revert back to my silly mood. My left eye today is abit swollen. It hurts alot when i blink. So i try NOT to blink. Which makes it all itchy and watery and gets it all irritated. So i blink. And go "ouch" each time. Ohh well...
Oh yah! i got back my results today. i passed everything... i dunno i'm not absolutely estatic because i felt that i at least deserve my 4 passes cos i did mug fairly hard. So anyway i dont know if i should drop econs. If i dont, i have to restudy everything from chapter 1 onwards in the span of the next two months. And i dont think its worth it. (Neither do i think i have the capacity to do so. i want to play, baby!) Anyway i didnt study at all (seriously. i was playing cards before the essay) for the final exam, and i got an E. And about 20-something percentile. Which was better than my lousy 16 percentile for physics. And i did study for physics. So i'm at a loss. ISNT YOUR RESULTS SUPPOSED TO SHOW THE WORK YOU PUT INTO IT?! Anyhow i think i'll still drop econs. Then do well for my As and go to SMU. And do business management. Hurhurh. I'm gonna be a female version of Donald Trump, and no yarn i dont need to sleep with my bosses to get promoted. But i do think that i need a boob job. And oh yes! Office gossip can be so fun. Anyway why does yarn think i'm a whore. I'm like, so totally not that kind of girl! i mean its not like i'll hop into bed with any guy i meet on the street, well of course unless he's incredibly hot or incredibly rich or incredibly suave or incredibly irresistable or incredibly incredible. Or of course if i'm in love.
I'm kidding!
rockin' at 6:09 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
All four (Gemini Pisces Sagittarius Virgo) belong to an ancient astrological category known as 'the mutable signs.' All four, different though they may be in many ways, share a love of challenge... and change. It has to be difficult or they don't want to do it. It must be different or they'd really rather not bother. That goes for all aspects of life... but especially for the way they behave in relationships.
They are looking for tricks that are hard to learn. They hate to feel that they know all there is to know about anything or anyone. And, they hate arguments. Yes, even the Geminis. Debates, they love. Heated discussions too. But conflict? No thank you. For all four of these signs, life is just too short to be wasted in a test of strength. It's far more fun to co-operate. Which also explains why mutable signs find it hard to be alone for long.
They don't necessarily have to be in partnership. Indeed, most find the notion of conventional marriage rather intimidating. To make it attractive, it needs to involve someone who doesn't make them feel too needed or hemmed in.
Thus, if you want a mutable person to fall for you, you should never let them know that you have fallen for them. And, if you want to stay with a Gemini, a Virgo, a Sagittarian or a Piscean for life... you should focus on your own love of life, not of them. Put fun first. Be light, be nimble and above all, be adaptable.
That applies especially in the department that some might coyly call 'horizontal and nocturnal'. Don't ever let it be just either of these two things. Be adventurous and spontaneous (but still, somewhat sensitive) in your choice of time and place. And don't ever let your love life fall into a routine. And remember, the way to awaken their heart (plus most other parts of their anatomy) is through their sense of humour.
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Did i mention i'm getting bored of someone?
rockin' at 10:57 PM
Part two - Sexually explict
"Men are for fucking and women are for friends."
That line is by yours truely, Sam from sex and the city. And i dont blame her for saying that. Its kinda difficult to find a straight male friend who can equal your female conterpart. And i specifically added the feature "straight" in there because gay friends dont count. They are like your girlfriends, just with dicks. And i'm so totally jealous that i dont have a gay friend. Scold me for sounding so fucking desperate, but i'm just so simply intrigued by them. i want to know how their mind works... and their thoughts and views on various sexual escapades or even just love and life. Anyway as i was saying... Its not easy to find a guy who can listen to your worries or your womanly thoughts and give his straightforward point of view. Its like, they are always out to please. They think before they answer, and give a gawddammit politically correct answer. They dont seem to get that i dont want a fucking correct answer. i want YOUR point of view. Its as though, they are afraid that i'd use it against them the next time i spot him being contradictory. Like wtf, its not a big deal. You dont have to be right all the time, i just want your opinion that time and then.
i just realised something. I've realised that its difficult for a straight male to understand the term, "close female friend". Because to them, i fanthom the term does not even exist. Whenever you have a close close male friend, whom you treat so wonderfully well as a friend, whom you refrain from fucking because you know he's just a friend, i can bet with you ninety times ninety, that he has thought of seriously making you more than a friend. That i cannot even begin to understand why. Why ruin a perfectly wonderful friendship between two opposite sexes just because he thinks that there is a possibility? i feel that it has to be mutual. There has to be that mutual attraction, that persistant urge of "omg i so want him to grab my ass right now" whenever you're around him, even while you're still friends. Okay no that mutual attraction doenst necessarily have to be physical. There just has to be that innate pure form of liking that coexists in each of the two individuals, which may or may not be realised (most of the time its not easily realised anyway.) So how, you ask, do you know if its there or not? Its all really inexplicable. You really actually know it... its just whether you want to realise it.
i dont think i can ever fuck a friend. Unless you're drunk or have smoked too much mind altering plants, i think its pretty difficult to bring yourself to actually do it. It would be so damn weird. Okay even dating a friend is weird. Anyway last night at jiaxi's house i said this,
"Being gay or lesbian does not depend on whether you like the person or not. Its whether you like dick or cheebye"
Which is quite correct i belive. i believe being gay or lesbian is defined as more of a sexual preference, nothing much more. So i'm thinking, how do you know which you prefer? Try, experience. Life's all about that. But then again, if you're utterly revolted simply by the sight of a penis or something, then stick to your usual preference. Its no good to regret something. So try to be willing to explore and open up, you might enjoy life just a wee bit more.
rockin' at 9:29 PM
Everythings alright now! Its perfect its fine its all happy and slappy! I've got a couple of topics to blog about, so i guess i'll proceed in chronological order.
Saturday was wonderful~! i met up with june and we headed off to AC to meet up with jiaxi... Walked around the place abit. Was pretty boring. Sure they had a hell lot more of pretty faces and cuties, but bah... couldnt wait to get outta there to have fishball noodles :p While in the hall tho, june showed me her gay friend there... He's very sharp i must say! He thinks i'm june's girlfriend which is cool. Hehehe he wants to double date! So cute. Shit i'm so bloody jealous. Why dont i have gay friends?! i want a gay friend! *pouts* *whines*
Okay anyway so we had lunch (pity the fishball noodle stall wasnt open) and headed off to SA... Whoopie saw yeeteng and jinglong there! Hahaha miss so many people... Yeeteng nottt baaadd hurh! Somebody captain of LOYYFAATTT and got so many boys in sa after her hurrrh!! Hahahha... then dear jinglong with his super zai soccer skills... just go be captain la! Hahha he's damn funny la. Miss him alot... Shit i keep thinking how it would be like if he was still in nj. Alrighty i should quit my nostalgic shit. Anyway we met up with yeeteng and yarn and huiee and shanna and vick and attended the concert and hung around sa... Went through the "satanic" and "freaky" tunnel and sat at some tiny lecture theater infested with rats due to flying MnMs. It was mildly entertaining. Mildly. Fuck i hate typos. i just retyped mildly like 10 times.
Didnt feel like going for the party at sos that night, even though they were playing rnb all night and drinks were fucking cheap and so many people were gonna be there, i was simply feeling sian after my bad encounter at zouk last week. So anyway after that me june yarn huiee shanna headed off to jiaxi's house... Marinated steak disgustingly (using fingers and beaters and quaffles) and made some potato salad. Both were alright tasting. Which was surprising, given our lack of womanly lessons of life and cooking. Then we watched the sum41 concert at Hard Rock and the making of their solid gold mtv which was pretty cute. Hehhehe. So anyway after much lazing around in jiaxi's room and rubbishing, we decided to change so we could swim. i naturally had to be lazy and change in the room. Thanks for taking my picture without my pants on, yarn :)
Swimming was so darn tiring. And fucking cold too. Anyway we ended up like swimming at most 2 laps, then lazed around the shallow end and made silly nonsensical comments and laughing with our throats exposed in the air like "hurghhurghhurgh" non-stop. i bet it sounded like some mating call for a walrus or something. Anyway june didnt swim and tried exposing her black panties to us while we were doing waterboy moves. Oh we even had a competition. Jiaxi and yarn just had to copy my super ultra cool flamingo move, which june didnt like not because it was bad or anything (it obviously wasnt), but because she just didnt like me :( Oh she was mighty angry at me because i scared her by referring her to some ju-on freaky shit climbing up the stairs, then screaming and pointing at a dark corner (no ghost else there) then laughing madly. She ended up chasing after me while i was on all fours, then banged her toe on jiaxi's room door :( I'm sorry june i would have pasted back your skin but i didnt have any glue on me. Okay anyway we hung around in our wet bras and chatted then i had to go cos my daddy was complaining and i really didnt think i could stay overnight because of my pfw meeting the next day.
Thank you jiaxi for a wonderful day! And thank you my dear friends for wonderful company!
End of part one.
rockin' at 8:56 PM
Friday, October 22, 2004
This is so fucked up. Everything is so fucked up. My head hurts. i keep thinking and wondering and worrying and and... just feeling at a complete loss. Fuck everything, you know that? Thats how i'm fucking feeling right now.
I'm going to sleep it off but its not fucking going to work this time.
rockin' at 12:38 AM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
i was supposed to get up at 10:15 today to meet huijia for lunch at 11pm at far east. i woke up at 10:45 (thanks to my mommy) and laughed to myself when i switched on my handphone.
"STEF! We meet at 11:30 k? i woke up late" from my dear huijia. Hahaha we have such perfect timings.
Anyhow... today we finally handed up the written report. But, we started on the oral presentation slides and stuff. Life's like this. The minute you finish up on something you think is so majorly important, something else equally or even more important is started, and your vicious cycle of stress, pressure and hyperventilating starts all over again, in full force. Ahh but i should derive pleasure from this. i want to work well under such conditions. i want an office job. i want to be a Donald Trump. So i shall smile the next time you ask me, "hows your pw?" even though i'm gritting my teeth and my muscles are tense, and i'm bursting with complaints. Hahaha... dont worry i'll be fine.
Yarn is singing on saturday. I'll be there! And i'll hunt down teo jing long. Bloody ah beng he think he so great use big words huh huh. Ok sat should be fun... it'd better be! Imma go watch some chick flick now whoopie
rockin' at 9:17 PM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Alrighty great. I'm waiting for jiahwa to finish up the table for our written report... So i can have a look at it overall and finally save and print out a copy. Whoopie! FINALLY. The written report can be finished... after so much slogging and pain, we will all be done. Have i mentioned that i dont like my group? Cept for jiahwa. i love that girl. But i dont love the rest. i mean they are nice people. But sucky group members. So you can just fanthom how incredibly estatic i will feel when we can finally round up EVERYTHING to do with pw.
PFW.
Okay enough about that. Today we had our first training session after the long exam break... i think the girls team were impressive!! i swear each of us lost a whole lot of fats today. I'm so proud of you girls! We just need to keep this up. Dont ever give up or think that we can afford to slack. Because you aint going nowhere if you do! Well i guess tonight there'll be a bunch of girls resting well and feeling all fresh and fit in the morning hoho :) Love you girls.
What else what else... Spent the entire morning bridging again... i tell you we can become National Bridge players already. Hmm... Oh yah! Huijia, i took your advice :) i just carried it out and i think it went pretty well. I'm so happy now. Despite the second hand cigar smoke lingering around my nose and the unfinished written report just waiting for me... i can still smile to my computer screen like the idiot that i am!
Ok. Sex and the city is starting now... bye bye! I'll be back in half an hour's time. And i'm hungry. My appetite is returning! Hoho hello kilograms!
rockin' at 9:35 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2004
How can two completely polar opposite individuals actually get along and enjoy a very nice dinner together without any hiccups?
I'm pretty much confused now. i hate myself, yet i'm so fucking happy with myself for going through with it. i guess i shouldnt regret anything, because nothing bad happened. In fact it was almost perfect. Ok perfect isnt the word for it... it was definetely more like, nice. Should i thank huiee for it? Hahaha alright alright i should. Anyway... it was kinda surreal. Seriously, i'll be very surprised if he willingly approaches me to talk to me again. Because what i was last night was very different from what i usually am. Yes of course from what i'm like in nj... but also yes around my usual clique (unclethreeicedteasplease). i was more of a mix of unclethreeiceteasplease and the wild lass in pornstar stilettoes who'd rather hump the wall than move to techno. Which i guess, is part of the real me.
Is unraveling too much of yourself bad when you first go out with someone? Or is it better to "hang loose" everything you are, being completely totally honest with the chance of completely turning someone off and scaring him away or him being completely captivated by the real you? There are two extremes of how my chosen path can go. But i'd hate to think that i have to put on this front of being the nice girl, the sweet girl who doesnt flirt who doenst swear but meekly looks down at her clasped hands on her sweet pink knee-length skirt and giggle softly and politely when someone makes a joke. Omg. No thank you. If that is what a guy expects of a normal, "nice" girl, he should marry a Stepford Wife. Or get a dog. i think i am happy and proud of what i am. Of how i can come across as two totally COMPLETELY opposite individuals sharing the same genetic makeup and body and brain. Hey i'm a gemini. i just realised that.
Its boring being the same image. Its boring being the NJ mugger. The hockey captain. The ponner, the slacker. Its boring being the passive smoker. The partial clubber and drinker. The "i dont care about what i wear" attitude. The "shit what should i wear today" materialistic bitch. The "i love animals i'm going to be a vegan". The cockroach hater. The strong not easily grossed-out girl who can pull out giant hermit crabs from their shells and still pick at their innards that are dangling out from the now empty shell. So what am i to do? Be all of the above.
i need someone to understand me, that i cannot be a particular someone. You cannot categorise me. You cannot slap on me a lable today because tomorrow i'm gonna break all of the requirements of that label. And be a totally new category on my own. Its great that i have wonderful friends who understand this infinte parallel me. But i dont deny that i do feel that tug of unfamiliarity when i do something not usual to them. i want someone to love me for all the mes that i am. And i dont deny that that is not easy. Its like loving 20 different people all at once. So i've come to a conclusion.
i need someone with a big heart. :)
rockin' at 4:13 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Its a hot hot wednesday afternoon and naturally i'm feeling hot hot too. Thermally, that is. I've never felt as unsexy as me now sitting in my oversized stretchy pants and bright pink kid's tee on. Hey there aint any cute guys around anyway. So yesterday was great! After school me and huijia went home, got changed and freshened up cos yesterday was equally or i dare say even hotter than today. i played bball that morning... got 2nd place. Fell and bruised my knee :( Its so fugly now with its pink and red and bluish black stains on my skin. Eww. i have ugly legs. Thanks to hockey! Yay. Anyway so after a painful bath, i met hj in town and we went shopping. But NOT for ourselves, of course! Yes we are thoughtful friends. Hint hint. Tomorrow you'll see. It was so damn tiring you know? Looking around for something so meaningful yet simple yet thoughtful. We started at 4 and finished only at 7... but we accomplished what we set out to do! Hurrah. Its a good feeling, accomplishment. Any form of accomplishment is good for me. Like from finishing up late homework or just managing to eat that last spoonful of wonderful blackforest cake from mezza9 (which really shouldnt be a torture, but is cos i was stuffed with a many many course dinner and desserts), that feeling is good. Makes your suffering all worth while. Then we chatted and talked about really intimate stuff at Times... no not like we were getting intimate, just the stuff we were talking about. Yep... its nice you know? Listening to her side then saying what i feel, her saying her problems and me saying mine. Its all give and take. Like a relationship. i wanna be the giver. But, i want my partner to like me so much that i'll be able to trust him when he says "its not like what it seems" when i catch him naked with another woman in his bed. i want that kind of security. Not the kind, "oh yeah i like you" and when i ask, "what about her?" "Oh i like her too. But umm... just not as much as you?" WRONG ANSWER. "Okay then umm... you came first. Or ahh... she didnt show interest. Shit no, i mean you were more interested. No wait, i just wanted to try it out with you first. Then unofficially, she can be the backup." Fuck that! If thats a form of commitment, i should just get married to any bloke i bump into on the street.
Anyway. So i got back, watched sex and the city which was really cute, and kinda dragged myself to the computer. i remembered telling hj that i will be online "for a very short while" so i wanted to see if she was there, or not.
She wasnt.
Ahh so i went to kazaa, then realised that i havent watched this movie i downloaded a few days ago. Dirty Dancing, Havana Nights! So i told myself, alrighty i'll go watch half of it then go to sleep. Fuck the movie was damn good. i absolutely love the way they dance, oh so sensual and erotic yet sophisticated and complex... they felt the music and moved to it. Its natural, its just dance in its raw form. And oh my it was intoxicating. i ended up finishing the movie at one. i was so so tired... that i woke up at 6:30 and realised that i didnt want to go to school and fly some stupid fox or listen to fernandez or just leave my bed. So i didnt. And slept til one.
Now i'm here after lunch and one and a half slices of cold guava, downloading movies like Trainspotting and Pulp Fiction listening to the drilling of the opposite house under construction across the street, wondering what i'm gonna do for the rest of the day. Which is good. i kinda like this. i feel like having a slice of blackforest cake now. And watch dirty dancing all over again.
rockin' at 2:27 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
i feel like complaining like a bitch today. Would go quite well with my new layout. Alrighty today was my mommy's birthday! So we went for a nice dinner at some restaurant... And fuck when i was getting ready i realise i have no clothes. i mean of course i have clothes but they've all been mixed and matched and permutated and combined in every possible way. So naturally i got quite pissed. Which made me really decided that i desperately NEED to go shopping. In the end i decided on flowy pants with a black tank top with my white miss sixty jacket. Oh plus i need shoes.
i suddenly dont feel like blogging. i want to watch the entire season 2 of sex and the city. i'm slow yes i know i'm sorry la. Okay i'll blog later when i feel like it.
rockin' at 10:47 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
My blog is completely different now! i was tired of my old old layout :) i took a record time in revamping my blog. About an hour and a half of my day. Yay!
Alrighty so yesterday was my final paper for the promos. And i dont wanna talk about it. It was jason and vince's birthday, so we went for a movie... Resident Evil. Kinda bad. Anyway so after lunch and free ice cream at swensons and learning a new silly game from siewee, i went off to meet yarn and junesy and huiee and mammoth and their friend vic. i think she's hot.
Ohh mann i missed you guys so damn much. i havent laughed like that in fucking ages!! All the lame shit that we did was soo high school-ish. Walking down orchard just laughing and holding my stomach in pain after saying something totally out of point (which actually is in point, just that you guy's lean brains cannot grasp the connection) and the zebras and the cheebyes and the i dont remember what else. So then mammoth brought along half a bottle of dessert wine, so after we finished it, we decided to write 3 of our wishes on a piece of paper each and put it into the bottle. Then throw it into the sea, of course. My wish went like this:
"i will marry you" (whoever who finds this)
"i will pass the promos and ace the As" (which is quite bullshit but oh well no harm trying, right?)
and lastly, "i will have sex with at least once with a man and a woman" (why not)
i like june's wishlist. "i want to marry Toshiya" then after we put the message in the bottle and corked it up, we were like...
"This bottle's gonna float all the way to Japan and Toshiya will pick it up and read it and he'll want to marry you! JUNE! Did you write your name address all that?"
"Ya i did! I signed off... As TOTCHI."
HAHAHHHA... okay sorry june. So anyway we headed off to the esplanade with a few bottles they picked up on the way... And we sat there chatting after yarn flung the bottle (lousily) into the sea. Oh wells. You cant have both looks and strength. ;) We played a lousy game of spin the bottle cos we were too engrossed in talking and rubbishing to actually ask questions. Caught up on alot of gossip and stuff... Was super fun :)
Left at around 11... guessed who messaged me then? Haha okay fine. i really dont know how this is going to turn out... i'm excited, curious, afraid, confused, just trembling in my socks. Sometimes i wish i wasnt as sensitive or as feeling as i am. It would make things a whole lot so so much easier. But knowing how insensitive i already am, popping a couple of insensitivity pills might actually turn me into stone. Nonetheless, i'm not denying that it would make things that much easier. For me, at least. I'm a selfish bitch i know :) But at least i have a partial working, functioning heart!
So then last night, at about 2 i was talking to kwok about him.. i think i have apently views from girls, this time i needed one from a guy. And his good friend, at least. Of course i didnt spill everything. i gave kwok an update and asked him what he thinks his dear friend is thinking. The answer i got was so blur, yet clear. So thrown-in-your-face, yet so much room was left for doubt and unclarity. And i dont even know the reason. Stupid kwok insists that i'm not a blonde (inside joke) and that i probably know what he's talking about. Which is true. BUT, i dont know WHY. Then he left. &$#&%$#.
rockin' at 4:40 PM
Sometimes i feel like i need my dose of http://www.petatv.com/ to get me through my present evolutionary stage. i need it to remind me why i'm doing this, to remind me that what i'm doing is not silly nor crazy. Sometimes i do get cravings. Especially when i'm lacking choices. Especially at my dinner table. i try to keep it, presently, at one serving max per day. Then slowly cut down... Its not easy for me. I've been brought up in a certain way, a certain way of looking at the food on your table. So to force myself to change without the support of anyone, just myself, i find it increasingly difficult. Its like this, you've been walking down the same path for everyday of your life. The first time or so you venture onto something new, you feel like "omg i'm so brave even though this is shit scary i'll be able to do it, i'll prove it to everyone" so you switch paths. But your new path is more difficult. More tedious, it cuts your bare feet. And you left your crutches at your old path. But you do it anyway because at that time, you can because you're still young, fresh, strong. Soon though when you begin to wear, you realise, fuck i miss my old way. And its tempting because its so damn easy to revert back.
But of course, you get calluses. You get used to the pain until you barely even realise its there. You begin to get used to this new path, and sometimes you enjoy the impact you're making. So that's what i'm wishing for. What i'm working for. Yay
rockin' at 4:28 PM
Sunday, October 03, 2004
i think there's something wrong with vince.
Read "Nice is an overated quality" and then scroll down to "I feel irritating".
Our dear vince just signed off, "The Nicest Guy in the World"
Now i wonder... why is it that he's able to proudly proclaim that he is nice, even going to the extreme saying THE nicest? Maybe its cos he already has other more substantial plus points like he mentioned looks and wealth. Or maybe he plays the "nice" trump card to fight off the hoards of girls who are after him, because he is inherently, a mean asshole.
Or maybe its both. Arent good looking guys usually rich and assholey? And act nice? i think vince just solved the formula for men.
rockin' at 2:22 AM
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