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Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Christmas this year was oh so laid back and wonderful! Me and stacy spent the entire christmas season playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we ended up completing the game in 3 days. A waste of time, maybe. A waste of brain power, maybe. But definetely not regretted. i enjoy doing nothing... Having the zero ounce of stress and pressure on myself is the most incredibly GREAT feeling i can possibly achieve. Too bad i bet its going extinct for me next year. Anyway i did my christmas shopping post-christmas. Heh... Its the best time to do it. Sales are still on, crowds are sparser and you have the upper hand of shopping for people who may have given you unexpected gifts. The other day, me and huijia went shopping. She brought me to this amazing shoe shop in Taka, i think it was called Pepper None or something... It was amazing, the limited shoes they had on display. i've fallen in love with Emilio Pucci, an Italian designer. He uses rich colors, supple fabrics, and dramatic prints and his shoes are simply breathtaking. I'm in love i tell you!
http://images.eluxury.com/assets_server/product/10585356/p10585356_ph_hero.jpg
These are Chiffon & Rhinestone Sandals
http://couture.zappos.com/images/980/7142980/985-93119-d.jpg
And this is a gorgeous ankle wrap sandal... Price: US$630
We also saw very few manolos, and huijia fell in love with this indian-looking beaded pumps which had OH SO PRETTY studdings and crystals on the heel. We spent like, 20 mins just looking at shoes and mind you, the shop wasnt very big. The shoe assistants were laughing at us whenever we gushed and cooed at the pretty pretty shoes! Hehe i felt so silly and yet so so happy. Its like a free drug, that shop i tell you.
Anyway tomorrow we have our hockey dinner! Weee~ Huiee insists that we dress up in skirts and all pretty pretty for the dinner. Little does she know that i think i'm gonna break that rule (along with wongxi bear and blah blah haha) But its not that i dont want to wear a skirt. Its cos i dont have a really nice one to go together with an outfit that i have in mind. Well maybe... Hopefully i can somehow improvise. But the look is always the most important. And the shoes of course. So everything must come together, and the skirt is not the most important of things :p
School is starting... Sigh. BIG sigh. In a way i'm looking forward to fun with regina and going back to school and starting trainig again, but i'm oh so NOT looking forward to picking up my damned notes. i hear that next year is gonna fly by really quickly. i hope that's true, and i hope that i also study really quickly so i dont lag behind :) The As... Oh oh. i hope i do well! i desperately want to enter SMU, but more importantly right now, first i have to decide what subject to drop. I'm thinking physics... i was never really great at physics! i had an A2 for the Os, and i'm thinking the As are gonna be much harder than the Os. As for chem, i hope that i can mug hard enough for it, its a subject that you can study study for, and i dont mind doing just that, even though i'm terrible at it... failed the finals this year. Econs i'm keeping with love and extra care. For SMU, i'll do just that.
Ho hum... I'm gonna miss the holidays. Its the holiday of most development for me. As an individual, not in any other i-became-smarter-by-studying kind of way. i finally finished the entire series of Sex and the City. And i cried buckets when it came to the final episode :'( I'M GONNA MISS THE GIRLS!!!!!!! i love the way they showed how each girl matured, took that further step outside of themselves, to show how they grew after the ordeals they were forced into. Sarah Jessica Parker can really act. The way she screamed at Mr Big in the beginning of An American Girl in Paris gave me goosebumps. She WAS carrie bradshaw. She WAS all of those emotions, angry frustrated exasperated confused pissed determined strong. i could only breathe out, wow. The girls have showed us the true meaning of love. How its meant to be. Love is not the cliche romantic dinner over candlelight and cuddling after sex kind of shit. That does not equal love. Watch the final episode, and you will know what love really is. i feel like watching it all over again, getting goosepbumps all over again, feeling my heart tighten all over again, and crying all over again. Sex and the City is not just about sex. Its not just about porn and women looking for men to fuck. Its SO MUCH MORE. It teaches, it makes you feel. It drives you crazy with how each girls feels and reacts before, during and after a relationship. You feel for them. Its all about looking for love, and then when you find it, you realise its an uphill battle to keep it. With so many damn implications. Love does not conquer all, it definetely breaks people though. But when you actually managed to grip onto the final corner of love's scarf before it flies off, you find that its incredible, what you have become.
rockin' at 11:07 PM
Friday, December 24, 2004
I'm alive! Malaysia was gawddammit great. Excellent fun.. the shopping was great, the food was heavenly. i bought a feeewww items of luxury while i was there heehee. A couple of tops, a pair of pants and two pairs of shoes! And my dearest mummy bought me a handbag!! Which i felt was not necessary to get me one so nice and pretty, but she insisted and got it for me... And i was so freaking touched and estatically happy. i love her so much... And i know she loves me too :) I'm her only girly daughter who loves shoes and pretty things and looking nice, so she loves to pamper me with girly stuff! i know i'm oh so lucky, i really feel genuinely blessed. i dont regret anything that i've done, i dont regret anything in my life so far. i am very very happy with what i have right now, and i dont need anything more :)
i just got back from watching The Phantom of the Opera with hj rus and qx... Oh my. It reminded me of watching Starlight Express in London when i was younger... And i absolutely loved the theater. And i still do. Whenever i watch sex and the city, and i see Carrie going to the theater with Big or her other dates... i always sigh and think, "i want to do that one day..." i just absoultely love the ambience and the passion you get when you're in a theater. You can never replicate it elsewhere. But its disappointing, yeah? The theater standards in Singapore... It simply just has not caught on yet. i hear how people can go watch theater in shorts and sandals... and i'm thinking. Oh gawd... Where is the ambience? Where is the sense of exclusiveness and speciality? Of being transported from our everyday mundane life to an extraordinary place of magic and passion. Its the overall experience that you get. You must contribute it yourself, you cannot expect the theater to provide the entire ride... You must want to get on, you must keep your mind open, and you ears and your eyes and especially your heart. So that you feel the passion of the actors when they sing or when they act and as they plead with their eyes to convey their ardour. And it hits you. Literally... You physically feel it, your heart tightens, you get goosebumps and you find yourself smiling to the actors like you've just won the lottery. i also find that part of the fun of going to theater is dressing up. Why not? You look good, you feel great and it only heightens the ecstacy of your night experience.
i love Carrie's fashion style.
http://www.hbo.com/city/img/look/carrie/season04/ep54_carrie_alligatorbag.jpg
http://www.hbo.com/city/img/look/carrie/season04/ep60_carrie_greenfeatheredshirt.jpg
rockin' at 12:42 AM
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Hockey chalet tomorrow! i should be sooo excited, jumping about and pulling my hair in dire anticipation. But i'm oh so mellow right now. i have to pack pack pack by tonight... Alot of stuff. Pack for the chalet, and pack for malaysia all at once. i have to split my favourite clothes :( Ah well. My mom was kinda cool. She told me that i dont have to bring much for the KL trip this weekend, she told me we'll just buy our clothes there. And i have absolutely no objections to that. Ran alot of errands today. Finally got to alter my Miss Sixty white jacket which was kinda large, and my new Guess white pants which my mommy got for me (which i happen to love dearly). So no packing for those two. Bought my 999 sausages too. Ok i'm just exaggerating. They look kinda cute. All perfect and long and frozen. Like smiles in yearbooks. The damn hockey shirts arent ready. Wanted to collect them today so that we could pass them to the senior girls at the chalet. But they'll only be ready on friday. Oh well. It only means more trouble for me i guess. i cannot wait for the chalet to be over. I've been so worried that theres not going to be enough food, or that someone's gonna forget to bring something, or we wont have enough cash for other meals and stuff that i want to just sit down and smile to myself. HAHA that sounds freaky. i cannot wait for the Malaysia trip! i want to get shoes there... i've seen magazines and the designs are pretty pretty, and their price tags are equally pretty too. i guess lately i simply enjoy busying myself to take my mind off things. Nothing wrong with that. i've always been pretty good at that anyway. So much so that i forget how to feel sometimes, which kinda frightens me now and then. Frightened by how i can be so detached and indifferent to things that are supposed to mean something. So much so that i find myself saying, "it doesnt mean anything."
I guess it isnt important anymore.
See you guys next week!
rockin' at 3:26 PM
Monday, December 13, 2004
Fuck i just did it. And i feel like a complete shit. Mess. Crap. Total fucktard. But nothing compared to him huh. So i should stop fucking whining.
rockin' at 2:37 AM
Sunday, December 12, 2004
So it was just last night that a 100 tonne pressure was carefully placed on my chest. Actually it was more like thrown, flung, slammed from a distance right smack onto me. And it was the first time i actually seriously hyperventilated. i need to thank huijia for being there for me while i freaked out, slammed my keyboard and just spurted rubbish. It was like i had to compress everything that happened from the past 5 - 6 months and analyse, connect to the emotional part of my brain (which doesnt work very well) and conclude. All in the span of 2 hours. You think you know your situation so damn well, and you think you have your confidence at your fingertips, and you prepare this oh so fine kick ass speech in your head which covers every important point and you go through it over and over and think, I'M READY. Then when you meet your foe, your knees tremble, your fingers stiffen, your mouth becomes dry and your brain collapses. I'm expected to give an answer. i have no deadline, but why does it seem that its presence is ever looming. So today, the entire day.. i spent it half musing. How are you supposed to answer a question that you cannot question yourself for an answer? How can you break someone so easily? i wont enjoy it but i fucking have to. i am so damn selfish. To have someone who is willing to accept so many of your FUCKING flaws, someone who wants to try to work things out and someone who is completely for you. Isnt that what every girl wants? And if you only knew what my answer would mean, oh gawd you'd hate me. But i beg of you to trust me, i'm doing this for the best. i feel confident that i know whats to come out of this if i make my wrong move, and i dont want that happening at all. By doing this i'm preventing further scars... i think this present one is still pretty shallow. Please dont hate me.
rockin' at 5:06 AM
Saturday, December 11, 2004
"Women use their sexuality to get what they want, it’s part of our nature, and it’s inevitable. If you’re not using it, your not living life to the fullest."
-http://www.sarongpartygirl.blogspot.com
Read her post on Jealous Bitches. So a select few of you dear readers mostly probably know what i did during this past week, and i do feel the need to address it. i do not regret any of my actions, and i do feel myself being judged at various times. As much as i dont like it one bit, i've come to accept that people do judge you. No matter how you try to look at the matter, that creeping judgemental thought will come lurking into your mind and you will at some point judge me for what i did. i dont blame you. Its human nature. But i hope... just hope that my friends arent the one who are doing the judging. i know there are the precious few who would love me even if i stole, murdered and raped (ok maybe not so extreme) but yeah you get the idea... And i too, to them. Thats what friends do... Support even if your friend did the most terrible thing possible on Earth. Like how Carrie cheated on Aidan with Big, and had the help of her friends to just be there for her. i love you guys so damn much.
So anyway, to come back to what i had wanted to say. Live your life the way you want it to be. i used to be so damned afraid of what people thought of me, like my image was the most important thing in the world to me. I'm telling you now, that hell no. YOU are the most important thing in the world to yourself. YOU dont have to listen to whiney bitches who tell you that you are a loser or slut or the scum of the earth. What does it matter to you? As long as you are happy with your life, and you are doing what you want, by all means live your happy fufilled life. Because you only get one chance, and if you spend all your time worrying about the unimportant things and you begin to neglect yourself, or worse, hinder yourself, and your life wouldnt have been lead by YOU. Do what you think is important to you. If loving other people is important, go follow the path of Bono, U2. If religion is important to you, go serve your God. If your sexual fufilment is important, learn from Sam, Sex and the City. If you have a passion, go for it all the way. Lets face it. Our life is full of selfishness. You have to be selfish to survive anyway (i've covered that in a previous post).
I'm hungry its dinner time.
rockin' at 6:35 PM
Friday, December 10, 2004
MY FUKCING POST DISAPPEARED AND I"M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS IMG GOIGN TO SELEEP.
rockin' at 11:46 PM
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Alrighty an update:
I'm back in my parent's good angelic books!! How ever so, one might wonder? Well, initially i was supposed to stay overnight on tues and wed at different places for different reasons. But i decided not to aggraviate my parents and i actually stayed home on tuesday, which gave them a DAMN BIG SHOCK. So when i appeared at home at 6pm, they were like... "ehhh i thought someone not coming home tonight..." And i just smiled. Then they teased me somemore which was a tad irritating, but i beared and hid my irritance all pretty well with my award winning lightbulb 150 watt flashing smile. Then after dinner, my mom came to me and said, "your father was saying... actually our daughter is quite intelligent. She is matured and smart enough to realise what she is doing, and she knows how to take appropiate action to correct it. Actually she's not bad at all" Waao. Im good.
Anyway. Saturday, my mom brought me and my sis out for sushi lunch. Which was daamn fun. We went to great world and did abit of shopping. They collectively bought 3 pairs of shoes, and i got my corduroy pink pants whose tab, my mom picked up~! I'm so happy. i love the pants. i swear my thighs are gross. Damn out of proportion. i tried on a size 1 pants, which fitted my waist and length all really nicely. Cept my thighs. They were like gonna burst la. Thank you hockey for my nice thighs. I'm so grateful.
Today, went shopping and movie with hockey people, huiee huijia jerry and greggy. Watched Chrsitmas with the Kranks which was a daaamn feel good and "into the christmassy mood" kinda show! Hahah which was anyway better than Polar Express i bet right jerry. Anyway went shopping for greg's prom shirt... i left early anyway and he apparently found a nice, cheap shirt afterall which meant that today was fufilling!
Theres our testimonial match tomorrow afternoon, which is against the seniors and stuff. Hope things go well and we have enough people. Shit i have to remember to bring a couple of balls.
rockin' at 11:24 PM
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Today is hockey marathon i tell you! First game was 7:00am at delta... so i found myself dragged out of bed at 6:30, to drag myself again to delta. The game was alright i guess. We had very very few people from the senior team, so we ended up mixing anyway. After that, nj had training...
Oh gawd how do i put it. I'm really starting to dread training. For gawd's sake i just had a game earlier and they are actually lagging behind me. i cant stand the lack of enthusiam, the lack of energy, the lack of people, the lack of initiative, the lack of LOVE for hockey, the lack of just everything. i just cant fucking keep up, you know?! i have to be so many things at once. Sometimes, like today, i feel like just throwing away everything and being the bitch. Like, fuck it if you dont like me, listen to me cos i know what i'm doing and you dont. And then it comes to the encouragement part. i never realised how difficult it is to give encouragement especially with the immense feeling of pure helplessness and just the scenario of doomsday playing over and over again in your stomach. And when the encouragement is not appreciated... i'm thinking oh FUCK do you think i fucking ENJOY shouting out, "COMON GIRLS YOU CAN DO IT" i mean of course i'd rather concentrate on myself, my own breathing my own rhythm and pace when we're running our 4k runs, or games or whatever. It fucking kills me, to see their reaction sometimes. Thats why i told huiee today in the toilet, that sometimes i just wish i werent captain. You know why? Cos i fucking blame myself for how dead the team is. For how they treat hockey and trainings. Its all my fault. And somehow i have to fix it because its my responsibility to.
I'm sorry. i really shouldnt lash out at the team like this. But this is my blog, and i'm just venting out ALL my frustrations and my own shortcoming that i've gathered ever since day one. Its alright. I'll be fine in the morning, like how i always am and will be. And i will continue to try to push our girls like how they are meant to be pushed as hockey players. And i will continue giving encouragement and advice despite all the negativity i might receive. And i will do the best i can for the job that i've been bestowed. And i will try to remember to remain human.
Do me a favour. Dont mention this to me... thanks :)
rockin' at 2:15 AM
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
My mom went crazy today. Balistic, i tell you. She got all huffed up about me not coming for dinner often enough, which i'm thinking, is an utter exaggeration. i mean, eating home about half the nights in a week seems reasonable to me. Especially now being the holidays and anyway, its not like i'm increasingly disappearing from home! Its definetely gonna go down after the poly-ers return to their projects and schoolwork which is i think next week. But anyway of course my mom doesnt get all this. And she continued her ramblings while i played with my sis's watch which she lent me. Her reasoning is that i'm becoming a baaad egg, more exactly she said, "you dont become a suwen case" who is my elder sis. And i asked, whats a suwen case. And she said, "always come home late every night without caring at all.. Like now lah!" Wow strike one, aimed a good whack at my sis, i give it a 8.5 out of 10! And then she continued... "i think you may be getting influenced badly. Your friends might be a bad influence to you." and i said, "but i go out with huijia mavis they all what..." "Yes but you're picking up bad habits" then i said, "BUT YOU KNOW THEM!" "yes but... you keep coming home late and everything" "So you're saying they are a bad influence." "No i'm not saying that..." BLAH BLAH BLAH. Nice score of 8.9 for whacking my friends! Save it for the oxygen molecules cos i'm not buying it. Anyway it went on with me just smiling as sweetly as i could at her, and giving my bambi eyes cos i didnt want her angry. Hungry women (she's dieting) when angry can get quite violent and abusive, much like animals on heat in the wild. Anyway it ended with me asking her "how often is too often" and she saying initially, "no i'm not telling you cos you'll get all shocked and think i'm being unreasonable" but i insisted she tell, and she gave me "TWO nights per week. to have dinner out" i mean, what else did you expect me to do, but smile sweetly AGAIN ( i swear i'm gonna get diebetes) as i said rather reluctantly, "okaay..." So what have i done to myself. i've forced myself to suffer a two dinners per week curfew. Which i dont know what to make of, really. Right now it seems ok with me, cos i dont have any immediate plans. But when i'm faced with the shit of turning someone down i think i might get a wee bit pissed. Oh well. i should try sucking up to her meanwhile. Hopefully if i slip in a third night now and then, she might not notice?
Navin just got back from Bali that bastard had a fucking good time!!!! Now i'm gonna ask him about his nights and the girls he picked up there *WINK*
rockin' at 12:08 AM
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