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Saturday, April 30, 2005
I'm sorry my blog sucks right now. Havent had time to update with the tourny going on and everything.
i've realise how much i simply love tournaments. i love the atmosphere of having supporters there cheering you on, the shouts of random people, and the knowledge that your effort is recognised. It all makes me want to work even harder, push even further, run even faster. i feed on the excitement of the crowds. i love that feeling.
I'll miss the tournament dearly, and i'll miss hockey even more. i dont ever want this to end... But i know i shouldnt muse and think of dreadful things that are definetely coming, instead i should enjoy what i'm loving right now.
i love hockey so fucking much.
rockin' at 10:28 PM
More hockey
We won Aj 3-0!
Now girls, doesnt it feel so much better than the lousy Rj game?? Its the feeling of having your efforts paid off. I'm so proud of everyone, we worked hard and showed them how much we wanted it. And it showed, there was a difference. The scoreline doesnt matter. What matters is how we played, and that we proved to everyone and ourselves that we can do it - we can play with passion and with heart.
Next game will be Wednesday, 4:30 at Delta against lovely Cj. It wont be an easy battle, but again we will work our fucking asses off. I'm sure they will work fucking hard too, and it'll be a good match.
Go go go!
rockin' at 10:17 PM
Opening game of the season
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
i wanted it so badly, but i gave up. i shouldnt have, but at that point in time i really felt that it would amount to nothing.
i felt like hell after that, and i still do. i never want to feel like this again.
i wont ever, ever play like that again.
From now on, its going to be 150% all the way for every single fucking game.
rockin' at 9:30 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
In response to Afghan's reply, well yes there are inconsiderate smokers out there. There are also narrow-minded ignorant people who condemn smokers, based on flimsy and unjustified arguments. We want to talk about tolerance? I'm not just saying that you have to tolerate cigarette smoke because its the open-minded thing to do. I'm also saying that we have to tolerate the stigma imposed on everyone involved. Smokers have to tolerate the discrimination and lack of their ability to exercise freedom of choice in places that ban smoking (which are going to expand given the government's reignited passion for anti-smoking).
i guess what i'm trying to get at is that everyone has to tolerate something, and that is unavoidable given our vast differences within a single society. So that makes everyone a victim. But that also makes everyone a protagonist too. Thing is, the victims always seems to wail alot. And when both parties are victims of each other, the wailing becomes smothering and both sides are simply bent on making their problem seem worse than the other (because to them, it affects them directly. You know how its like when a needle prick is the only form of pain you've felt before in your life? The pain is intensified because you've only experienced anything vaguely like that once EVER, and you'll swear that its as bad as an electric shock, or a burn. But thats cos you cannot fanthom what anything else will feel like. Maybe what i'm trying to say is - ignorance leads to a person believing their own suffering is worse, because there is no chance for comparison.) And it'll only result in complaints, complaints and a few arguments.
So tolerance is the key. And complaining is what needs to be shut away. Because you're not the only one suffering.
rockin' at 12:36 AM
Friday, April 22, 2005
i got a 35/50 for my gp essay!
My highest score ever, so i was in a really good mood today :) Okok so i know it cant be compared to my classmate's insane 40-something scoreline (afterall he got an 80% overall inclusive of compre), but i'm proud of my work.
Anyway i was musing. Last wednesday during gp lesson, Ms Rattna discussed the issue of smoking. When she first mentioned that, i was already going "uh-oh" in my mind.
You see, i have a very non-traditional view of smoking. Non-traditional in the conservative singaporean sense, that i dont see any wrong with smoking and smokers at all. Usually, singaporeans have the staunch view that smoking is wrong, its bad for you and the people around and those who do it are perhaps divants from society's norm (ie, rebellious in layman's term). We're brought up with anti-smoking campaigns sufforcating us more than cigarette smoke is, and those jingles going "Dont Puff Dont Puff" will forever haunt the recesses of your mind for all your adult life. That is why i dont find it at all surprising when majority of my classmates agreed with the total smoking ban. They argued that all smoking does was ruin your health and those who breathe in second hand smoke, and said it was a waste of money and gave you a horrid appearance. Ms Rattna humoured us even by quoting what one guy wrote as his anti-smoking argument for his essay. He said that "girls look ugly when they hold a cigarette." Yes it was funny, and no i didnt take it lightly.
That is the effect of blind drilling of so called "morals" and "positive ethics" on a young society. You get youths who have desired morals yes maybe, but what you get also is a society which fails to think for themselves. They do not understand open-mindedness, they do not see that there are worse problems out there which need to be tackled other than focusing on a smoking ban. They do not see the idea of freedom of choice, nor do they see that smokers can show consideration if they are worried about second hand smoke inhaltion and all that jazz.
All they see is the cute pictures of happy bunnies jumping and kids playing in a "smoke-free" world on phamplets, and they remember the gruesome pictures of cancered lungs and tumours in brains.
i dont like the impression that smokers are killing those around them. My father smokes. Is what he is doing the equivalent of blasting a gun shot into my head? Comon' now, cant we all be more tolerating? We tolerate racism, we tolerate facism in our political system, we tolerate pollution and resource draining activities. Its not like smoke is constantly blown into our faces every single day. We have a choice. You have a choice to sit in a smoking and non-smoking section. Smokers have the choice to blow smoke away from crowds. Everyone has a choice. You are not dying because the ah beng standing 5 feet away from you is smoking.
rockin' at 3:53 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
'This thread is not aimed at the traditional "fuck racism" kind of arguments which we've already reinforced a coupla hundred times over already. We all know racism is bad, unacceptable, fuck and blah blah blah. And it is this stone-wedged fixed line of thought that i came to assume that every respectable, intelligent and well-informed member of society will come to think this way.
Know, that it is not the fact that still many people who claim to have all the above mentioned positive traits are also racist which stuns me, but the very truth that my parents are.
i never really fully understood the impact of this until just recently. i see things so much more clearly now. How the side remarks which i laughingly passed off as jokes during my younger years were in fact aimed at emblazoning an ideal concept of how other races were to be viewed as and systematically assessed. i thank God for the power of media and the failure of influence. I've become a black sheep of my family.
Dont get me all wrong, though. My family's great, we're close and everyone gets along really well. My parents have been reinforcing other positive moral values in me and my sisters since young, and i couldnt ask for anything greater. Its just this traditional, conventional way of thinking they have that binds them to such an age old ailment of man. And i cant blame them - they've been brought up with such influences in a society then which in fact condoned such beliefs. Its only with more recent channels (well at least thats how i feel for my own society) from locals, from neighbours, from foreigners which allow us to venture into new possibilities that my society has changed, in a sense. Take two decades ago: inter-racial marriages were rare and mostly discouraged by traditional elders. Today, there has been a sharp rise in the number of such marriages, such that it is no longer considered anything radical or shocking, but nonetheless eyebrows are still raised albeit slightly, when a local hears of such information.
Its not easy. Its not easy when you have vastly different views from your parents, and you know those views arent going to change despite a bombardment of reason and evolution. Because who can fight something that exists at the very core of that person's beliefs? Isnt always the hardest to convince someone that their strong opinion of a particular issue is completely wrong?
I've dated boys outside my own race, but i've never told anyone in my family about it. Once i was caught, when my mom saw my muslim date walking me home, and i ended up lying - just to not cause any trouble in the house. And so far, all my dates have had no idea about the conflict i'm experiencing due to the colour of his skin. You just cant tell someone something so irrational yet unquestionable against them, and expect them to have an opinion on it. i love my family, and i know they just want the best for me (from their bizarre point of view). But i just cant keep this up. Its draining. The feeling of being torn two things - not just between family love and my infatuation with a boy, but of their morals vs your morals. And my desire for my family to accept me the way i am (brains and all) eats at me constantly. Its impossible for them to change their mindsets, and believe me when i say they are strict about this. A marriage to a boy of another race would mean disownment. Right now, when things are all just for experience and fun, and the boys in question usually disappear after a few months, i'm fine. But what if, what IF something more serious happens sometime later. What the fuck am i supposed to do then.'
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My blog has been kinda dry these past few days, due to the fact that i've been concentrating more on my return on a certain forum, you could check it out here if you're interested. i post under the alias BleedingWaters. So this is one of my threads which is a manifestation of certain events that have happened, both recently and non. More recently, though haha.
i really like that particular forum because of a few regulars there. They freely express their thoughts and opinions on certain issues, issues which may or may not directly affect you, but nonetheless immensely interesting and thought provoking. Not to forget, i directly benefit - i learn to be more open minded; or perhaps their logical takes force me to be more open minded. i know more about current affairs and politics, i also know more about the different ideas of morality and religion (ESP!!) and just about everything in life. That is why i invest more time in posting there, than say here.
The difference is that i get intelligent replies - replies which take deep thought, logical reasoning, time and effort to take form, and i'm introduced to them in a manner which allows me to respond in any way that i want, if i want to clarify i can. If i want to dispute and impose my opinion, i can too. But blogs are dry. They are meant to be. They are meant to be YOUR own view and YOUR take on things, and theres no easy way to let people come in and argue if they think otherwise. Maybe yes, there are guestbooks and such, but really. How many people would actually bother?? And the thing is, i WANT replies. i WANT people to come in and say, "no i dont agree with you. Heres why... " Its not that i divulge in confrontation or anything, but i want to learn more. i want to see the other side, i want to be exposed to the infinite paths of thoughts that humans can contrive, because there is no way really that i will be able to see things in another way if i dont actually believe in it. Unless someone has the passion and puts it down in words, i will read it. And i will understand, even though i dont agree, because you can only understand something that's put down in front of you by someone who knows what he is thinking. If you force yourself to think otherwise than your well-trodded path of thought, you'd find it futile. Because your mind is fixed in such a way that A + B = C and you wouldnt be able to see things otherwise, partly because you wouldnt want to either. But you can learn so much more if you do, and to learn you need help from others. Thats why i prefer interactive posting, thats why i spend more time on the forums.
i dont understand why bloggers like xiaxue is so popular. I've read a couple of her posts and frankly, i see no depth in any. Its just pure entertainment purposes. I'd much rather go watch porn or something. What gets me excited and going and gets my brain going is forums. And smart bloggers.
rockin' at 6:09 PM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
i just got home after attending a grand total of 2 tutorial lessons... Oh my gawd i'm getting so incredibly lazy to even get up for school. I'm about to bring my doggie for a walk after this post, but i'm taking my time.
An excerpt from the book i'm currently reading, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller:
"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed."
i was planning to blog about something bothering me, but somehow when i sat down and brought my hands to the keyboard, everything escaped me. i think i forgot.
Anyway lately i've been having this sudden urge to write fiction, and in case all you school going elders have forgotten - the last time we wrote fiction was in seconday school. So i'm gonna challenge myself to see if i can get my old "creative" part of my brain going, and putting pen to paper, come up with a novel idea. And of course, sprinkle it with pretty adjatives. I'll start after i come home after i take a bath, i hate doing work when i'm all dirty and sweaty.
So hopefully i will be able to do it!
rockin' at 3:07 PM
Monday, April 04, 2005
i think i'm in love all over again!
rockin' at 11:24 PM
Saturday, April 02, 2005
"Rainy afternoon, date with Martine that got fucked up because too-many-people-look. Young girl, older white guy kinda problem, what a pain in the ass. He’s so gorgeous I cannot possibly see why it should be a problem in the least. So what if he’s old-er, if you really want to be shallow, at least he falls into the category of the tres chic and very desirable.
I hate being in public with him, or with Chris, or with any decent guy I like for that matter, because I’m still bothered (note, not concerned. Bothered. ) with what other people think. With M it’s not so bad, because he is good-looking, and I feel proud when I walk about with him. Like I got a good catch, ya know? But with the other blokes…; It’s just like wearing a pair of super-comfy shoes that are slightly worn out and don’t really go with your outfit. People look at them and stare at you weird, and that bothers you a little, but you’re happy nonetheless. Your happy with yourself, just a little tiff-ed that their opinions should matter."
-sarongpartygirl.blogspot.com
Don't we all feel that way? Why should other people's opinions matter? We try to hide the fact that they do bother us, but we're all really just a bunch of helpless gits. i think ignorance here is a great gift, and under such undesirable circumstances, to execute it would be oh such a relief. But like spg said, you do tend get a tad flustered. i think we all have that urge inside of us to want to express our own view of things, and to tell people - "hey you may be right, but you're not the only one that can be right. i can be right too."
And usually, no one is really in the right or wrong.
rockin' at 10:00 PM
The thing about blogs is their shallowness.
i never liked giving away this address to people i dont know well or those i'm not close to. Its uncomfortable. Here i write my random ramblings. Sometimes they are just daily reports of the stuff i've done or people i've met. But now and then i do tend to sit down and put to words the murmuring thoughts in my head. Its just thoughts and conclusions i make, and the thing with thoughts and conclusions is that not everybody is going to agree with you. And this is where the shallowness ensues.
People will make judgements of you. From just a trashbag full of alphabets, people can come to a confirmed decision that you are a bitch, or you are the reincarnate of mother theresa. Wheres the logic in that? i only read blogs by my friends. That way when they say something silly, i understand the truth behind it. i know my friends, and their blogs are just an extra dressing to their colourful characters. i do not gather their character from their words, they serve more as an enhancement to what i already know. Its not the whole pie that you're getting from these paragraphs. Theres so much more inside. (electrico cd cover name! hehe)
i feel sad for great bloggers like sarongpartygirl, who writes with so much transparency and passion.. And because she is a great deviant from the average singaporean conversative girl, many readers immediately label her "slut" or "whore". But theres so much more to her than angmoh guys and wild nights, she is intelligent, witty and so damn interesting. And she's really nice too, if you're nice to her that is. As in, you probably wouldnt get a compliment from her if you call her a slut haha. So when she receives so many hate mails and insults, i really dont know how she handles it. Its her personal life, and what right do you have to reprimand someone? They arent doing anything that's going to directly affect you, and whats more, you come to your silly conclusion by just reading a scandalous entry?! Her confidence makes me incredibly jealous. i admire her so much, i most probably wouldnt have the guts to do what she does. Neither would i have the self control to hold myself back from letting lose my retalliates which may get pretty ugly. i still cant trust my temper now... But i hope that when they day comes that i can, i will gather my confidence and try my hand at being completely transparent.
Theres no point in critizing the entire world of their shallowness. We all do it. You do it. i do it. We cant help it. Its just too easy to judge someone based on something you've heard or read, especially if you dont know that person well. As people, we judge others and feel good about ourselves. How do you think that gossip is so popular? Haha it works and breeds that way. Many will deny this, but we all know its true and i accept this. So instead of trying to fight back against something that's not going anywhere, i'll try to embrace it and work around it. Practice acquiesce or acceptance. And not lose my cool when i encounter this fact which i'm already familiar with.
rockin' at 5:37 PM
i know i am hot tempered. Its not respectable, theres nothing commendable and its just not funny. Like last week, while playing for Crescent under Division 2, i lost my cool so many damn times on that pitch during the two halves. Once, two of my opponents came for me while i was in posession of the ball, and i ended up being sandwiched. i got so damn irritated and frustrated and exasperated that i simply just lifted both my hands in a "what the hell?" position and didnt even attempt to tackle the ball back. i stood there for a good 5 seconds feeling incredibly enraged before i moved on. Its not beneficial. Its just - a waste. i know. But its just my character to be inflamed so easily by emotion. There was so much cost involved, not only did i affect my own play, i could have jolly well have affected my team-mates too. i could have blamed my attitude that day because i was honestly in a bad mood. i was pms-ing, and i hate to play hockey while i'm having my period. But i shouldnt blame, and i'm not going to. i know its my own fault, because i have the choice whether to scream at my opponent (even though she's in the wrong), or to just concentrate and play my own game. My character is to stand strong whenever i feel i've been wronged, even though i'm not right all the time. But i feel that its important to let others know that you cant be pushed around easily. You push me, i'll shove you back. No one's going to take any advantage of me - both on pitch and off.
But there are always other ways of warning others that you're no pushover, right? i need to learn them, right now. i shouldnt compromise my performance and especially my team-mates', and i should always focus on playing my best for the team. Thats priority. And if others chose medals above morals, all i can say is to them is that i hope they will be happy with the choice they made. Right now, i'm making a concious effort to keep my temper in check. i love having arguments (in case you didnt realise :p) especially if its about issues which i feel passion for. i need to realise and draw the line between argument and debate. Also, the line between attacks and standing your ground.
i beseech you, my friends, to help me conquer this impediment.
rockin' at 5:08 PM
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